Gig 13: July 1st The State Bar

Had the flu so did the Gig sitting on a stool rather than attempting to stay up. It went OK but I kept thinking I wish I could go back to Bed. Now I see why westlife sit down as its much more comfy than standing.

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GIG 11: Aberdeen vs Glasgow vs The World March 26

“Iain Todd starts promisingly, wringing plenty of laughs from the absurdity of Sky TV sending him his solitary Valentine’s Day card for their 3D service, before a withering line about which three dimensions could improve Disney’s current cinematic megaflop John Carter. A quip about Orville the Duck deserved a better reception than it received, a stark reminder to assess your crowd’s youth. But he died horribly with a routine about signing visitor’s books, which was a mess of underwritten ideas with no place at the end of his set.”

You can see full review here http://www.chortle.co.uk/features/2012/03/27/15123/aberdeen_vs_glasgow_vs_the_world

The Olympics

The London 2012 Olympics started with thousands of amateurs putting on a professional show. Since then our professional athletes have put on an amateur show.  Our best dive didn’t come from Tom Daly in the pool but the Queen out of a helicopter.

Reporting Scotland tried to claim one of the Bronze winning Team GB gymnasts as a Scottish success. He may have a mother from Dundee but he was born in Liverpool, lives in Liverpool, supports Liverpool, speak with a Liverpudlian accent and his favorite song is Ferry Across the Mersey. Although BBC Scotland must have seen that he was ginger and decided that made him Scottish.

Why is beach volleyball considered sexist but men in speedos for the diving isn’t? Why are they all toned? Surely fat people could fall gracefully too?

Why do swimmers get changed at the poolside? Do they not have 20p for the lockers? They should be forced to swim with a bracelet containing their locker key.  Why is 100m Freestyle in the swimming called freestyle? Everyone does the crawl. Why when a Chinese 16-year-old girl swims faster than a man do we ask for her to be drug tested. We should actually check that she isn’t a man.

Why if the pinnacle of your sport is not the Olympics are you in the Olympics? I would not allow football, tennis or wrestling to take place as I bet any participants in those sports would rather win the World Cup, Wimbledon or a WWE “Hell in a Cell” match.

I thought of this as I sat in the Theatre of Dreams (if your dream is a bad view of the pitch) Hampden Park whilst watching USA take on France at the Women’s Olympic football.

I’d gone to the game as a) it was Free and B) point A was more than enough reason. I was intrigued how it would compare with the men’s game. I can only say that the players I saw lacked skill, technique and pace. Some struggled with tactics whilst others ran around like headless chickens. All in all a very similar standard to the Scottish Men’s national team.

I was suspicious that one of the female players may have been a man. Judge for yourself in this zoomed in photo:

Joking aside the game was entertaining. France were 2 nil up before surrendering their lead. Nice to see a nation live up to its stereotype. The players were tactically sound and there was a fair amount of skill on display but it felt very different to the men’s game. It was a lack of pace.  A few people in the crowd also commented on how slow it felt. The players were all so similarly matched that they cancelled each other out and the end result was the perceived slowness.

Outside the stadium the organisers had really made an effort to entertain the fans by putting on some entertainment. This lot were dancing away

…and it’s fair to say they had the biggest crowd of the day. If they were put on before Scotland Games then nobody would end up going into the stadium!

I think the women’s game is best summed up by this short clip from Futurama. Good fundamentals but they can’t dunk.

A guide to Tahiti

Congratulations to Spain for winning the European Championship. If you’re interested in how they did it then I recommend this superb article –http://www.miostadium.com/opinions/simon-kuper/barcelonas-secret-soccer-success

The Spanish player Sergio Busquets has won Euro 2012, the 2010 World Cup, three La Liga’s, two Champions League Finals, two Copa Del Rey’s and two Club World Cups and he is only 23. That man has held more cups than Michele Mone testing her Ultimo Bras.

The winning team is invited to compete in the FIFA Confederations Cup. This tournament is held every four years in the year before the World Cup. It is held in the same stadiums that the World Cup is to be played in and it gives the host nation the opportunity to play competitive fixtures and test the infrastructure. The 2013 tournament features Brazil, Spain, Italy, Uruguay, Japan and Tahiti.

Let me repeat that – Brazil, Spain, Italy, Uruguay, Japan and TAHITI!

Readers may be unfamiliar with Tahiti so here is the Scottish Comedy FC guide:

They won their place by winning the 2012 Oceania Football Confederation Nations Cup. This competition has only ever previously been won by either Australia or New Zealand. This year, due to the fact the Australians no longer play in Oceania, it was thought New Zealand would win easily but in a shock result they were beaten in the semi-finals.

In the finals Tahiti beat New Caledonia 1-0.  I imagine they would have been dancing in the streets of Papeete (the capital) that night. To be fair – there is dancing in the streets of Papeete most nights as the island is famous for its grass-skirt hip-shaking dance the ‘Ote’a.

Tahiti has a population of 220,000 – roughly the size of Aberdeen. Unlike in Aberdeen, in Tahiti english is well spoken and understood. Seriously, does anyone know what “Foo’s yirsel; fit like; foo are ye deeing?” actually means?

It’s common to put a Tiare (Tahiti’s national flower, a fragrant white blossom) behind one’s ear – left side if you’re taken, right if you’re looking. A similar tactic is used in Hamilton where you have a big pregnant belly if you are taken and you’re thin if you are not.

The letter “B” does not exist in the Tahitian language which is loody annoying.

The word tattoo originates in Tahiti. In Polynesian culture, tattoos have long been considered signs of beauty, and in earlier times were ceremoniously applied when reaching adolescence. In the UK tattoos are applied when the percentage of alcohol in your system is higher than your IQ which explains such disasters as the Man City fan who got a tattoo of Wayne Rooney and the Hearts fan who has a massive picture of Romanov on his back. http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/wayne-rooney-man-city-fan-tattooo.jpg

The mail boxes outside the homes of Tahitian residents are not for mail but for French bread delivery. Residents get a fresh loaf dropped off twice a day. Just imagine if Greggs the bakers did deliveries….mmm….donuts. Sorry, I was just imagining it.

Paul Gauguin the famous French impressionist painter lived here. He worked briefly with Vincent Van Gogh and Rory Bremner.

Tahiti is Tahitian for Tahiti. Tahiti is English for “not Hawaii”

Tahiti is 11 hours behind the UK but in terms of social welfare and harmony they are years ahead.

If the Tahitian tourist authority are reading this then I’ve always fancied a visit and would be happy to accept a free holiday to your majestic island!

Says Yes to Newco Rangers

Imagine that I own a comedy club. It’s a small venue so I can’t compete with the big clubs but I’m proud of the shows and comedian that I book to perform. One day a man called Eddie Rock comes to the club and performs a set. It goes down a storm. Everyone in the audience tells their friends about it. The next time he plays I get a bigger audience than usual. He starts to attract a following. I  realise that whenever he plays I double my audience so I budget to buy more beer, put in more seats and put up the ticket prices. What could possibly go wrong?

A couple of years down the line I’m relaxing in Todd mansions playing Giant Kerplunk when I get a phone call. The man I bet the club on, the man who sells out every week, the man who keeps me in Giant Kerplunk toys has a confession. None of the jokes he performs are his own, he has been ripping off Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock DVD’s. I thought his name was familiar! He thought he would get away with it as UK comedy fans have an aversion to a) Americans and b) Americans who talk really fast about ghettos and big bootys.

He says “Don’t worry Mr Todd as its going to be OK. I’ve changed my name to Billy Bridges and I can still play every week.  I have a huge audience who will always follow me. I also know how much you love Giant Kerplunk and how expensive that habit has become so could you give that up just to keep your clubs integrity?”

I think about it for a second and reply:

“Welcome Billy Bridges, can you do a tight 15 on friday and compere saturday?”

I’m sure you have all seen through my tortured analogy so I’m going to get straight to the point. I believe the SPL should have let Rangers NEWCO into the SPL. The clue is in the name. Its a New Company. It is not Rangers FC

Historical Note: The official founding of Rangers was in 1873. The first season’s fixtures were all friendlies, as the deadline for joining the SFA had been missed. Its ironic that the failure to fill in paperwork correctly would also be the clubs undoing. 

The current clubs want to blame this new company for the sins of the past but the club has been punished. It no longer exists. Talk about kicking a man whilst he is down. They are still kicking  after he has gone down, died, had the funeral and been sent to hell.

Charles Green should have come out and clearly stated that this was a new company and wished to have nothing to do with the past. That would have put the pressure onto the SPL and off himself. Unfortunately he has proven to be the worst spokesman for a cause since Comical Ali. Ali used to appear before the World’s media during Gulf War 2 to declare that Iraq was winning, that Saddam was fighting the infidels single handily and that he (Ali) had just shagged all of The Saturdays whilst still managing to comple the times crossword. In fact some his his statements now seem more rational than Green’s.

Historical Note: Gulf War 2 wasn’t as good as Gulf War 1. It was full of cliches. It even had a token British Baddy. 

Charles should have waited for the SPL to vote the new company in and then he could have said “oh, by the way, I’m thinking I might change my name from Sevco FC to Glasgow Rangers FC. Oh, by the way, although I renounced the history all the fans think we won the league a record number of times so I might as well put that in my clubs history.Oh, by the way, I think we should keep the name the Old Firm. Everyone recognises it and wouldn’t it be a shame to make everyone learn a new name.”

So lets welcome Sevco FC into the SPL. What could possibly go wrong?

Future Note: It turned out, after a couple of years, that Billy Bridges was ripping off two other Scottish comedians (Billy Connolly and Kevin Bridges) and I had to chuck him out of the club. It seems unless you learn from the past then you are doomed to repeat it.