Why Rangers’ CVA was rejected

It’s looking increasingly likely that the Rangers CVA will be rejected and replaced with an HMRC F.U. In that case I can exclusively reveal the reason why. HMRC are suspicious that Charles Green may be another Craig Whyte slye chancer as his CVA offer looks suspiciously like one the club has seen before….

Dear Rangers Board Duff and Phelps,

I ,craig whyte Charles Green, wish to purchaseGlasgow Rangers Glasgow Rangers (In administration) for the price of £1 £2. Proof of funding comes from David Grier my “mystery” consortium.

Doubters HMRC wonder about my history. I am a successful Monaco Yorkshire based businessman who made my money name by building up breaking downcompanies Shefield United. I’ve supported the “teddy bears”  “mighty Gers” since I was a young boy informed of their predicament.

I give my full support to Walter Smith Ally McCoist and plan to make 20 million 30 million pounds available to the club. He will get funds to buy star players Rino Gattuso. I ask all fans toback the team buy season tickets.

I will not rename the stadium, not sell the club’s star players and not sell the training ground to fund the club. This club must live with in its means a loan to my company.

I urge you to accept my offer cva. I promise not to bring the club into disrepute like the previous owner David Murray Craig Whyte

Yours Sincerely

Craig Whyte Charles Green
May 2011 2012

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An idea for women’s football…

Only 5% of televised sport features women so I demand broadcasters stop being sexist and start covering women’s sport properly. They can start by showing the lingerie football league (LFL).  A women’s 7-on-7 American football league where the participants wear shoulder pads, elbow pads, knee pads, garters, bras and panties. This is not the only sport which forces women to wear next-to-nothing, the Olympics features women’s beach volleyball.  I’m not sure which of these sports I prefer so I’ll just toss for it and see which side I come down on.

This week saw the final of The Apprentice where Alan sugar searches the UK to find 15 people to belittle. Whilst watching I learnt some important lessons:

Never answer your phone before 9am. It will just be work calling and they will want you to do something menial.

Margaret’s eyebrows move independently of each other and her face.

Identify a gap in the market and sell, sell, sell.

The point of this is –Women, find your gap and sell it…That didn’t sound right. Let me clarify.

Women’s football is not on the TV because the are offering a product that we already have too much of. There are games on every night of the week from leagues all over the world. Spain for those who admire technique over brawn, EPL for those who admire brawn over technique… and the SPL for a laugh. The women’s game can’t compete because  women’s sport only gets 4% of the total sponsorship and revenue money generated by all sports. They need to think cleverer and, like the LFL, they need to think about marketing

What is bad about football?

Its outdoors and fans are expected to turn up rain, hail, or shineIt can be dull. Yes, I’ve said it.

Football can sometimes be very boring

It goes on too long. I dont have two hours free to watch a game so I often catch the highlights instead.

So there is a gap in the market for

Indoor football

Exciting football

Short games

I have the perfect solution. 5-a-side football! Why don’t women corner the market in televised 5-a-side football? Like the LFL (except tasteful) they would be offering a product that theoretically could be better than the real thing. Its often said that the best thing about women’s football is that it has better technique and better tactics than the men’s game. So use those skills outside of the pitch and create a product that is not currently available.

How do I know this would be successful? Sky shows indoor 5-a-side Masters football featuring ex-professionals. Given the choice between watching a game of skill, speed and excitement or a bunch of fat ex-pros try to revive their youth then I know which I’d choose.

SIDENOTE: I discovered the LFL after trying to google for the Lower flammability limit (LFL) of a chemical. When you put LFL into google it’s not a chemistry lesson that I received but a biology one. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Under the Moon.

The BBC apologised recently when footage from a wildlife documentary was revealed as fake. That is shocking! If you can’t rely on the BBC then who can you trust. I’m not sure whether I believe any BBC show now. I doubt whether Jool’s Hollands Hootenanny is actually recorded on Hogmanay.

Hogmanay should be spent drunk. You should overpay for food, booze and taxis. All for a night, everyone will agree, that only reached the giddy heights of “alright”. If you don’t go out then you are stuck watching the afore mentioned Jools or Jackie Bird looking like a recently divorced woman who has just discovered wine comes in boxes.

One Hogmanay year was different. The greatest football/sports phone-in program of all time was on and it was live from Glasgow. It was “Under the Moon”.

Under the Moon was a Channel 4 show that ran for two seasons in the late 90s. It started at a time most people were heading to bed and went on late into the night. Its main presenters were Danny kelly, a man with no previous TV experience, who has a remarkable resemblance to Penfold from Danger Mouse… and Tom Binns, a man fined 50k by radio authorities for a piece he did on bestiality.  Unfortunately the piece was for a breakfast radio show. At breakfast-time people don’t want to hear the tale of a man who loves sheep. Although people listen to Chris Moyles, a man who loves himself.

The show was a primarily a phone-in and feature program. Unfortunately most of the callers were drunk and most of the features were constrained by the show having no money. This was one of the few clips I could find.


The highlight of the programme was the guests. They would often have famous footballers, some musicians and a TV star. Due to the lateness of the hour guests were often drunk which led to candid and very funny interviews.

This informality (drunkeness) reached a peak in the New Year Special. The show was going to come live from Ibrox stadium and the Guests were Ally “who doesnt do walking away” Mccoist,  Paul “who doesnt do walking due to his dodgy knees” Elliot and David “who thinks walking round a snooker table is a real sport” Vine.

Paul Elliot was appeared sozzled and slurred incomprehensibly throughout. David Vine walked out after Danny Kelly asked him “whether snooker had become less interesting now the players weren’t on Cocaine?” and Ally McCoist told scandalous stories about the Old Firm. I remember watching it and thinking a) how did this ever get broadcast and b) no-one will ever believe this happened. On that point no one will believe me because as hard as I’ve tried I can’t find any footage from it!

Instead of a video here is an indepth report on the series from the Guardian:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/2008/apr/06/sportfeatures.television

After the show ended Danny Kelly did radio work and Tom Binns created one of the best comedy character acts I’ve seen. Check out “Ivan  Brackenbury”.

There is no excuse for “Only An Excuse”

Editor’s Note: Having been a writer & script editor on the show mentioned below, don’t let anybody say that Scottish Comedy FC blocks free speech from it’s writers! What it does do though is point out that the writer’s views are their own personal views…

The newest of the Scottish Comedy FC Podcast is out now. Subscribe/download/listen HERE

Congratulations to Chelsea who became the first club from London to win the European Cup. The big talking point of the game wasn’t the missed penalties, the negativity of Chelsea’s play or how stunning Chelsea’s physio is.

On that note do check out Eva Carneiro on Google. I’ve currently got a groin strain and I’m sure she is the cause and cure of it.

The big talking point was John Terry, suspended for the final and forced to sit in the stand, turning up at the end on the pitch in his strip to collect the trophy. He should be ashamed of himself for stealing the glory from his team mates but he is a a man who [allegedly. Ed.] steals girlfriends from his team mates so shame is not a feeling he pays much attention to.

Within seconds of this act the jokes had started.

John Terry has just turned up at my wedding. He’s wearing a grooms outfit and he ‘s trying to kiss the bride.

John Terry is going to his daughter’s sports day this week…. He’s wearing his full PE kit in case she wins

So why within seconds of an event happening can football fans write great jokes but with a whole year to prepare the BBC can’t come up with one decent joke for ”Only An Excuse”.

“Only an Excuse” is a Scottish institution which is on every Hogmanay containing topical sketches about what has happened in football. Like most institutions it’s resolutely stuck in the past, has no relevance to most people, and is in shockingly poor condition. It is so bad that even Will Mellor, star of 2 pints of lager and a packet of crisps, would turn it down for lacking jokes. I rewatched a couple of old episodes and this is the best joke they do:

“Hello. I’m John Boyle the very camp owner of Motherwell. This gets a huge laugh as the audience recognise it’s John Boyle the very camp owner of motherwell.

<John waves his arms in a camp manner.> The audience laugh again. Nothing funny has happened yet but maybe the audience came from a taping of Mrs Brown’s boys and thus have very low standards.

“I work with pat nevin.” This gets a huge laugh as the audience again recognize a name

<The camera cuts to Pat Nevin.> Another huge laugh as they recognise it is pat nevin.

bye now.

This sketch then generates wild applause from the audience. The applause can’t be for the sketch so it must be for themselves for either a) sitting through this nonsense or b) the fact they managed to recognizes two people based on the highly difficult clue of the persons name.

I  did an unscientific straw poll of people to see what they thought of the show. Of the ten folk  I asked (male/female and different ages) not one person said anything good about the show but they had all seen it! In fact they had all watched it every year even though they didn’t like it. The most common expression was “well. I thought this year it might be good!”

So this is a plea to football fans and non football fans. Don’t put up with dross. As the 1980′s children’s TV show said “Why Don’t You Just Switch Off Your Television Set and Go and Do Something Less Boring Instead?”

PS – Before we had “Only An Excuse” we had Rikki Fulton. So that this piece isn’t too negative lets finish with one of his great football sketches.

Danny Dyer’s football factory

A couple of years ago I received an invite to a film premiere. I thought it would be glitz, glamour and gorgeous women. I was wrong. It was a Danny Dyer film. The film was so so bad even Danny Dyer turned down his invite to the premiere.

Danny is the master of the direct to DVD lad’s movie. The sort of film featuring gangsters, cockney rhyming slang and loads of burds on the cover. They have titles like “Its Raining Men….Dead men” or “London Bridge is Falling Down…Because of all the Dead Men on it”.

Its fair to say he won’t be winning an Oscar any time soon but despite this I’ve always had a soft spot for his movies. mainly due to his performance in Mean Machine where he scores the best goal ever seen in a movie.

Now questions do have to be asked of the defence during this goal but as the film is set in a prison then most of the prisoners will have had a weak defence otherwise they would have been found innocent.

I don’t know what Danny is like if real life but I hope is a luvvie and spend his days supping sherry and discussing Noel Coward. Around this time his cheeky chappy persona made him a perfect fit for the TV channel Men and Motors wich featured shows called “Danny Dyer’s Deadliest Men” and “Football Hooligans International ” it was a classy lineup.

They hired Danny to front the shows becasue of his perceived gangster image. See for yourself how he got on when he visits the five finger shuffle crew who have been a bit naughty up in Sunderland.

I’ll leave the last words in this article to Danny himself as there is one subject he would like cleared up. He reveals all in his autobiography. (Yes -I was surprised he could write too)

Most people assume that my name is Daniel. It isn’t. It’s, in fact, Danial. My dad was so pissed when he filled out the birth certificate that he spelled the name wrong. That’s why I changed my name to Danny smartish when I hit secondary school. Danial’s a bit too near to Danielle.

A postcard from Morocco

Flying back from Marrakech to Manchester I overheard a passenger say:

“That was the worst holiday EVER. I could not get Heinz baked beans there!”

I think certain people shouldn’t be allowed passports. If you can’t visit another country without complaining about it then you are too small minded to be allowed out of your house let alone the country. Although leaving the country also reminds you that no matter what the color of your skin, the language of your mother tongue or the religion of your church that anyone can answer the question:

“Real Madrid or Barcelona?”

Morocco is one of the friendliest countries I have ever visited as I made many new friends. In fact all conversations started  ”Hello my friend. I have best price for you…”.The locals’ sales technique was so good that when I walked past a food stall the vendor would shout out ”Ca va? Francais?” I’d reply “non” and they would go “ahhh – english” <how bad can my French be that even pronouncing one word which contains 2/3 of the equivalent english word is still obviously non french.> At that point they would go “Good food. Michelin star quality. Jamie oliver recommends.” Offended that they had called me English I would say “no – scottish” and instantly they would reply “then the food is also recommended by Gordon Ramsay” I wish our beggars took as much time to learn the local references of visitors to our country.

In Morocco they have massage/steam rooms called hamanns, They are split into two sections, one fore women and one for men. They should really be called the hawomann and hamanns. If i was a Moroccan comedian then I would call myself the haha-mann. The female section was busy but I was the only man there! It was just me trapped in a steam/massage room for 90 minutes with a big man called Rahid who spoke no english. Some of the things he did to me with his loofah will haunt me for the rest of my life but even though he spoke no English we still managed to have one conversation.

He had bent me backwards over his table and was pummeling my legs when he stopped for a second and said “Barcelona or Real Madrid” I assumed he wanted to know who I supported so I said “Non, Ecosse. Glasgow Celtic” he managed to figure out my poor french and thought for a second before pointing at himself and saying “Moi, Barcelona.” i realized they had just lost a champions league game against chelsea so tried to be sympatheitc  ”Sorry! Champions League”

He though again for a second and replied:

“Chelsea! John Terry. C*ck!”

Which proves football is universal as anywhere you go in the world knows that John Terry is a c*ck.

The best football film ever made

I went to the cinema this week. I waited in the queue as the man in front of me struggled to pick a film. He said to the assistant

“I want to see that British horror film….the scary one…it’s got good reviews…the name is on the tip of my tongue….oh yes…can I see the black Harry Potter film please?”

I assume he meant “The Women in Black” starring Daniel “Harry Potter” Radcliffe. Although I would pay to see a superfly Harry Potter starring Shaft.

 I picked the 4D cinema experience for my film which is a new system on trial. The 4th dimension is physical so whilst you watch the film the seat shakes in time to the action. If you have ever watched  a movie on a plane whilst it experienced turbulence then you will understand what its like. I spent the whole of the film expecting to crash. I was so scared I can’t even remember what film I watched and thats the beauty of it. The more dimensions a film has the less dimensions its characters have. The characters were more wooden than Pinocchio.

So lets cut to the chase….The greatest (football) film you have never seen is “Big Fan” starring Patton Oswalt. Patton who? you say. Patton Oswalt has headlined comedy clubs all over the United States. He has his own standup specials on Comedy Central and HBO. He was chosen as Entertainment Weekly’s comedian of the year in 2002. He’s been in some of the best sitcoms of recent years like Seinfield, Reno 911 and Community.

Patton plays a hardcore New York Giants football fan who struggles to deal with the consequences when he is beaten up by his favorite player. It deals with issues that any Soccer fan has. The nature of obsession, the lure of football phone-in shows and the rivalry that fans have of another team. The film contains no footage of American football. It could easily be about Celtic v Rangers or Liverpool v Man utd.

What would you do if you favorite player beat you up the night before the derby? Would you report it to the police and make him miss the game or would you keep quiet so he can play?

The film has no 3D. No 4D. It just has an interesting character in a good story.