routine 6

done at the stand just after valentines day

Good evening glasgow. My name is Iain Maciver Todd and I got no Valentines Cards. This is the point you go AWWWWW. That sounded about as sincere as a nick clegg promise. On that note did you see david cameron trying to sell the big society last week. Normally it nick cleg who pedlless the tory BS.

Back to valentines. I did receive a letter i’d like to share with you. That really touched my heart.

Roses are Red
Violets are blue
I’ve got an offer just for you – at this point i did hope it was s
So close your eyes and believe how better leife would be be with the purchase of sky 3d
love
jamesie
sky customer service
x
calle Me!

Now this raises a number of points
1. I don’t actually want sky 3d. Not until they bring out the porno version sky 3dd
2. When did business correspondence get so romatic. Although that is a good thing wouldn’t it be better if you got your electricty bill as
dear hunk a hunk of burning love. when i look into your eyes i can feel the electricity but unfortuately you used £70 in the last quater. Your sincerly a secret admireer scottish power plc
I could reply dear secreat admirer, oh how i wish i could wath with a direct debit of love from my heart but i see your website says you only take visa.
3. If sky now exploit love will they exploit death. When my nan dies will they send me a letter saying I’m sorry for your loss but with sky’s anytime feature you can now grieve at your own convenience. Push the red button and relieve her best bits.
4. Whats most annoying is that I pay £81 a month and for getting that screwed i expect dinner and a movie too

Valentines is about love so I thought I’d tell you about stuff I love.

I love movies.
I saw that new boxing film last night the one with the guy who speaks funny. Its called don kings speach. Colin firth is don king, hbc is mike tyson.

Ai saw 127 hours. It’s about a man who chops his own arm off to escape a fate worse than death. I saw tron legacy and after 5 minutes i would have chopped off both arms and legs to get away from that shite. The only legacy that film should have is no more tron.

I love music
Radiohead realeased a new downnload only album at the weekend. mine must be corrupt though as its really slow, full of mad bleeps and has wild screeching over the top of it.

I love computers
I played the xbox kineckt last week, Its amazing you get to jump around in front of the tv. I have a cheaper method of getting people fit. Hide the remote control.

I love dogs
We had a bomb scare at work last week. the sniffer dogs where called in. They came into our office and took one sniff, two sniff and then took a massive dump on the floor. I turned to the policeman and asked why and he said “they are nervous”. I’m nevervous but i didn;t walk on stage tel one one joke, then another and then take a massive dump.

And finally

I love you guys

I’ve been Iain Maciver Todd. Good Night.

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routine 5 – twin

the original script for a twin act

NEW TWIN

Announcer – Its the brothers todd

INTRO
==================
I – Did you come up with the brothers todd?
A – It was better than your idea.
I – I thought we should come out and make it clear that we are not the proclaimers. Two speccy twins on stage. people could get confused.
A – but having to give a warning would make us the disclaimers.
I – we could comebine our name like jedward?
A – yeah. your iain and I’m andrew so iandrew sounds good to me.
I – i was thinking more like andiain?
A – how about going adopting the an n dec route. iain n andrew
I – Sounds good to me as im just like ant and you are a complete and utter dec!
A- shut it you!

TWINS
==============

I – Hey, Did you know Elvis pressley was a twin?
A – yeah his brother died in childbirth
I – Liberace?
A – brother died in childbirth
I – jay kay?
A – brother died in childbirth. 9 months in the womb with jaykay. no wonder he killed himself. it was virtual insanity
I – if you werent alive I’d be a musical legend!
A – don’t blame me you are stone deaf. You like justin bieber!
I – he has lovely hair!
A – you have bieberfever or as I call it chlymedia as its easily passed to young girls, undetectable in guys and it’ll ruin your life if not treated by the time your 30.

JOKEOFF
=====================
I – O
A – old skool rules.

I thought our dad would be happy when he got a job at B&Q as a greeter but he just cries all the time. It’s Onions that make me cry. The tell me I was adopted.

Hey – I just saw a lion in a posh furniture store. I thought to myself that’s unusual it’s not its normal Habitat.

I –
I hate subtly. That’s why I boil eight tea bags in my tea pot.

I love a women in boots. Not so keen on the ones in superdrug.

In restaurants, I like to link the plates clean. Which is why I no longer work as a waiter?

FINALE
==========================
I – We are often asked if its true that twins are psychic.
A – do you feel pain when the other one gets hurt? Well tonight we will test this out.
I – woah. woah. what are you doing?
A – Yes. ladies and gentlemen. One of you will strike my brother with this hammer and i will use my psychic power to say where he was hurt
I – WAIT A MINUTE. I didn’t sign up for this. I thought I was just going to draw a picture and you were going to guess it!
A – Trust me. I’ve seen this trick performed a hundred times and the ambulance was only required a few of those times. Let me get a voulunteer.
you will strike iain anywhere
I – not in the baws
A – anywhere
I – seriously not in the baws.
A – and i will use my amazing psyhchic powers to guess where. whenever you are ready. swing. swing.
MAN SWINGS
I – MOTHERFCKR!
A – Sorry I didn;t feel anything. Swing again!
I – THE PAIN!THE PAIN
A – Sorry I didn;t feel anything. Swing again!
I – My Arm!
A – It was his arm!
IA – thank you goodnight!

Tonight I will attempt a double act on stage it will go approximately like this: (Andrew still hasn’t told me the ending)

Me – Good evening Glasgow. My name is Iain and this is my brother
And – Andrew. Hello.
Me – Tonight we will answer two important questions.
And – are twins psychic?
Me – for this – all I need is a newspaper…
And – is this that Derren brown trick. Where you look up a word and I have to guess what it is ?
Me – Sort of. You should turn your back to the audience.
And – is the word bungabunga?
Me – I haven’t started yet!
And – is the word carrot?
Me – no! The word will hit you in a moment. Its common knowledge that win one twin feels pain the other one does too. We are going to test that out!
And – woah. woah. what are you doing?
Me – Yes. ladies and gentlemen. This audience member will strike my brother with this club and I will use my psychic power to say where he was hurt
And – WAIT A MINUTE. I didn’t sign up for this!
Me – you can strike him anywhere you like.
And – not in the baws
Me – anywhere
And – seriously! Not in the baws.
Me – and i will use my amazing psychic powers to guess where. whenever you are ready. swing. swing.
MAN SWINGS
And – MOTHERFCKR!
Me – Sorry I didn’t feel anything. Swing again!
And – THE PAIN!THE PAIN
Me – Sorry I didn’t feel anything. Swing again!
And – My Arm!
Me – was it his leg?
And – no
Me – right ladies and gentlemen. I think that proves just how psychic twins are!
And – I don’t like this test. Question 2. Is one twin better than the other?
Me – the only way to decide this is a joke-off!
And –
Me – Well done! We were going to shorten our names like jedward but it comes out as iandrew or aiain. 1-0 andrew
And –
Me – well done loser. I said to Andrew we should model our double act on ant n dec. I’d be ant and he could be a complete and utter dec! 2-0 andrew
And –
Me – whats that? can’t believe he fell for that old one. We were going to do a proclaimners tribute act tonight. Andrew wanted to call it we are not the Proclaimers. I thought we should call ourselves the disclaimers! 3-0 andrew.

Thr proclaimers arent the only twin act in the world. There are three other stand up twins. SO you have been watching the 4th best AKA the worst.

Best Man’s Speech

This was for my friends wedding. The father of the bride got up and spoke for just 30s. The groom got up and spoke for even less time and before I knew it, it was my turn

Phils Best Man Speech

Good evening everyone

Rodel church has two noteable points of interest 1 it is one of the few places on the island that the queen has visited and it contains the first image of a man in a kilt. Well today we had a beautiful bride in a gorgeous dress. I would describe it as a wedding fit for a queen. How would i describe Phil? Well a man in a kilt

I’m iain Todd and I grew up just up the road from phil. I have a twin brother andrew who you might have seen taking some of the photos today. I was honored when phil asked me to be best man. It was a clever move on his part. If anything happened to me then their is a spare!

Before I lay into sorry congratulate the groom I’d like to thank the bridesmaids for the excellent job they did today they had a tricky slope to get up and down. Though vicky did cheT and wear trainers. I will also thank the Pageboys and ushers. They got you all on and out and without their help none of you would have had the words to sing. The reverend also thanks you As head concerned nobody would join in after him!

Vicky works with folk who are unable to look after themselves. They can. Struggle with cooking, cleaning and washing. Some wondered when first meeting phil wether she had taken her work home with her.

Well I can’t vouch for his cookin, cleaning and washing but I can talk a little about him.

When he announced on facebook that he had had set the wedding date. He used “well I suupose aug 8th is as good as. Any other day” but actually it’s a fittin day for it. You won’t have realised that not only is today national choclate day which means we can eat as much of it as we want but it’s also the day saddam hussaininvaded kuwait.

Altough phil doesn’t like to mention his medals. It ws in iraq where he became and Im quotin him hwhere’s war herwhen’s was awArded the navys highest honor. Yes the most tins of beer drunk in one day medal! Although he did his finest drinking there he also drank with honor on tours of Australia, USA, Jamaica and Canada. Not really the axis of evil but the axis of quite pleasent.

He would spend hours at a time staring at a computer screen watching small dots rush around alert for any signs of danger and that was just playing sensible soccer on the nintendo at my home. He didn’t reallise years later the navy would also ask him to stare at screens looking for danger.

After the navy he was lucky to work with kylie minouge. Well kylie,s pants.. A stint in the victoria albert museum allowed him to a) see exhibition like kylies stage clothes and b) no where the best places for a fire exit are. He hwould like me to pass on a message fire exits are front left and back. It’s alslo also women children and newly married men first. I also have a note from your old colleagues. They would like kylies pants back.

He moved on from there to work with arsenal. I thought for a momment thAt he was a player and vicky was going to be a wag but no it’s with the flats next to the stadium. I have another note from yours colleagues. Apologises for the injoke but phil and vicky will get this one they said congratulations on your big day and can you nook a flight to Utrecht for first thing tommorow!

I have been asked to do safety announcement before I finish up. Coyuld you check the pavements on your way home tonight as the groom has been known to fall Asleep on one after a few drinks. Point him in the direction of broadbay house if you find him.

Lastly I’d like you all to raise your glasses as we toast mr and mrs mcdougall. May your marraige be a long and happy one!

Old Routine 4

This went terribly due to their beeing no audience and my inability to stick to the script.

TOnight

This is where I did my first gig. Afterwards a man came up and said I loved it. Let me know when you are on again. So i invited him to my next gig. He sat stoney face throughout my 5 minutes. Did you enjoy it. No I prefer your early stuff.

Good evening glasgow My name is Iain Todd and when was 10 i was given a ryan giggs DVD. Its called secrets and skills. The tagline is learn how he does it. It turns out it didn’t really want us to know but if superinjuctions protect celebs from the public surely the public should be protected from celebs. I’m taking out one demanding that newspapers are banned on reporting katie price.

Superinjuctions are a waste of time – if I’d had the year Ryan giggs had. Sports personaily of the year. Premier league champion and champions league finalist all at the age of 38 whilst getting up to hanky panky with miss wales then I wouldn;t have taken out a super injunction I’d have taken out an advert in the paper. “BEST YEAR EVER”

I have an identical twin brother. Its great becasue you
save money – gym story
can see the future – he hasn’t cut his hair in 6 months so I know that in 6 months time if i don;t go to the barbers then i will look like a twat.
we can do an comedy act that is unique. We tried to be a proclaimers tribute so we called ourselves the disclaimers but we turned out to be less musical than jedward.

Instead we do a comedy double act. You will have noticed he is not here tonight. There was a little accident last week.

I decided to test the theory of whether twins are psychic. i asked my brother to stand at the back and I then invited a man onto stage. 6ft3 and 18stone. This was mistake number 1. I handed him a rolled up newspaper and asked him to hit my brother with it whilst i looked away. He swung. My brother screamed and you are wonderinf why. Well when one twin feels pain the other one should feel his pain. i was going to guess where he was hit. My brohter was not pleased.

I faced the audience and said “I’m sorry the psychic message didn’t get through.” try hitting him harder. So he really wacked him. They heard his scream on the moon. I started laughing. All i could say was did you hit him on the funny bone? no mate he said. Ok then so this time really hit hard. My brother cried no. Thwack. Then silence. I could only say have you killed him? No mate – and ill rememebr this until i died – i’ve him so hard in the balls that you no longer havea twin brohter but a twin sister!

Thanks glasgow.

Old Routine 3

This one was more succesful than some of my other attempts.

Good evening. I didn’t get any valentines day cards this year but last year i did. I was really excited to pen it and find out who had sent it. It was beuatifuly hand written. I opened it and read the first line

dear sir/madam – not a great start.
We love you so much – now the we is a concern but maybe two people love me but they are two cheap to buy a car each
that we are offering you a great deal on double glaszing.

yes – they used valentines to send me a business request

But it made me thin shouldnt more business be romatic

would you rather recieve

dear sir. you are overdrawn. see the bank manager now

or

hey gorgeous – i feel better all ready
someone has been a spendy wendy – that will be me
come and see the bank manager for a chat and a cuddle – how doesnt likea cuddle

so should love become more business like. Why marry for life. the longest contract i have is my mobile phone. We shoudl marry for a fixed term contact. At the end of the year we can renew it or readvertise. You can be mroe specific. Wanted 1 year contract a man who know how tkae the bins out.

In india they have a section of the newspaper where they advertise for brides. My friend never met his wife until the got married. his dad acvertised in the paper for a convent educated girl who was an accountant. They then called the best candidates for interview.

Let me finish off by telling you about hwat i love the most. I love visiting museums and art galleries to read the comment boooks

Last week i went to see harry popodopolus. Whic the glasgow hearlad described as a wonderful collection of 1980s photos. I prefer megan aged 7 who wrote “im bored. dad made me come. people in the 80s look weird

but my favorite was in florence
pierre – fantastique
fiancarlo – fantastico
shug glasgow – not bad

hig praise indeed

thanks. good night. youve been not bad.

Old Routine 2

I think i used bits of this

balloch

I first came to balloch nearly 15 years ago to see oasis. The place was full of drunken idiots. Good to see it hasn’t changed much. Oasis were a band of two disfunctional brothers. The only other band of disfunctional brothers is the david and ed milliband.

I got the bus up here. On it a baby was crying. Its mother looked down and said oh you need your bottle refilled. Opened the bottle and then filled it up with coke. Thats a disgrace. this is scotland. it should have been irn bru. T

There was a sign on the bus saying become the face of glasgow. Enter the beuty competition now. Small print. You need not come from glasgow.

I was warned dont stay in place with hills as they are scary. maryhill, redhiill, govanhill but aftere being hear 6 months the flat bits are f’ing scary too.

A terrorist tried to blow up strathclyde university recently. They had written a note on the toilet saying this building will expode…..

I havea twin brother. Most common question.,

Lets finish with some jokes. A great scottish comedian comedy teddy calls twitter a suicide note you send out one line at a time. I disagree. Someone would read my suicide note. So here’s some jokes.

I watched a dity movie and afterwards I got a rash. I think it was an s.t.dvd.

Sad news. A mothercare store exploded last night. Police blame a babyboom

Hughe hefner has found love again just two weeks after being ditched at the alter. Supposdly she had a change of heart. Ironic as its normally the 80 year old who has a change of heart.

Lousi wals was cleared of being involved in an idecent act in a toiler. He would though found guilty of bing involved in an indecent act in the charts. Jedward.

Wayne roony had a hair transplant. I wasn;t surprised he has past form. Only a couple of years ago he pai for a blue rinse.

why did the #notw have to listen to voicemails. Surely mystic meg could have used her mystic powers to get answers.

Do you know pornography s getting its name changed. Instead of erotic fiction it will be known as lonely fiction. That way if your girlfriend catches you with it yo ucan just claim you were lonely and all you need is a hug. a sexy hug.

I went to a bridal alteration service but they said I’d have to marry her as she was.

http://www.sexymp.co.uk does it use a first past the bedpost voting system

batman wants to shutdown the A9 to film a scence of utter devestaion. They should just stick a cmaera on the megabus.

Head of IMF charged with assault. Unbelievable? no – that was EMF!

#minestryofdefence confirms that scotland will takes take the brunt of #cutsbacks. Gary – tank comander is now just Gary.

I’m a fortune reader. Wait…I’m getting a mystic message… bill gates 33 billion, prince of brunei 22 billion

I setup a suicide help line. it gives details on the best places to jump from

The creator of #superglue dies. http://tinyurl.com/6gnd7fc he came through a sticky patchy but ironically couldn’t hold on.

Advertisers! Don’t #boycottNOTW instead pay for an ad on every page that says “IF YOU ARE READING THIS THEN YOU ARE A C*NT!”

If you want a job done well, do it yourself -except open heart surgery, that requires an expert

Barack Obama promises to bring back US troops, but first, he said, we’ll need more bodybags.

SNP delay sectarianism bill by 6 months; which is not the first time Rangers have benefited from a little extra time.

Old Routine 1

Most of this failed miserably once I found out the audience was ll from Australia.

i came over from glasgow tonight on the train. Sat at a table was young girl with a baby and another older son. I was quite happily reading my book when the baby started to cry. The women took one look at it and said oh your bottle is empty. She opened it up and then filled it with coke! What a disgrace. Feeding a baby coke. This is scotland it should be irn bru. On seeing the coke come out the other child said gie us a coke. His mum said I’ve brought you up better than that. he replied gonnae gie us a coke. Good to see a scotsman being polite sounds even more threatening.

I had some dinner downstairs they do 5 cheese macaroni sounds good until I realize the 5 cheeses are just sainsburys mild, lidl mild, aldi mild

Bob dylan buys bagpipes so his next album will be full of tuneless whining sounds so no change there then.

I used to live in edinburgh and I worked for edinburgh university. One day i was in the library and I found a note in the toilet saying a bomb will go off on the wednedsay at 1400. I went to the head of safety services and asked them what i should do about it. They said have you tried wiping the message off. Just imagine if jack baur in 24 went to the president of the US and said Ive discoverd a plot to kill you. Have you though about ignoring it.

The net day the message was back and this is no word of a lie. It said a bomb will go off on thursday at 2:00. Sorry i got my dates wrong. At this point i knew it wasnt a criminal mastermind. but it must have been a student as a student would never work on a wednesday afternoon.

I called the police and they brought in sniffer dogs. The dogs took one sniff, two sniffs etc hes nervous. Well im nervous tonight but I was sensible enough to go to the loo first!

liam fox resigned the first MP to quit to spend less time with his friends and family.

the x factor is back on. it features louis walsh jedward

I have a twin brother too which makes me annoyed that the most famous twins are idiots. Do you watch TOWIE. That show now has a twins on it and they are terrible! Theres one that that show didnt need and that was another pair of tts

I normally doa double act with him. At our last gig in edinburgh we decided to do a joke competion . i told a joke laughter. no laughter. This is the end o f my comedy career. When did it start