GIG: Maggie Mays – Glasgow (21/11/10)

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. My name is Iain Todd and tonight I lose my comedic virginity. I was hoping it would be a special evening but stuck in a basement 10 of us have to pleasure 200 of you. This isn’t special it’s a glasgow gag bang.

Glasgow is a scary place. When i moved here i was told whatever you do dont stay anywhere with a hill in it. govan hill, maryhill and posill. Well they were wrong as the flat bits are scary too.

trick or treat?
no big yin, gie us money
Thats not very polite. I’m sure your mum told you how to ask politely. 
gonnae gie us money then
still not really getting the hang of the politeness thing are you 
fuck you yah bam. hand over the fuckin money. prick.

Guy fawkes was the parliament bomber. Since then we have had 9/11. the plane bombers. xmas. the pants bombers. last week. the photocopier bombers. Do you see the p-p-p pattern. You might think richard reed the shoe bomber but i have just one word for you. plimsoles. I do have bad news. The terrorists have struc again. A mothercare store exploded earlier today. Police think its due to a babyboom. I blame the pram boomber.

Now I’m not saying that all crimes against humanity are linked to the letter p but chery coles new single is called promise this.

Congratulations to cheryl cole. She has the number 1 single, album and book in the country. Her book is called through my eyes or to give it the full title through my eyes you can see the back of my head.

I have a twin brother. When people find this they always ask:

Have you ever switched and pretended to be each other. <nudge> <nudge> no you sick fucks. I have never slept with his wife. If you looked like your dad would you dress up and fuck your mum? no – so don’t ask me.

My brother is a photogrpher. He does weddings, parties and special occasions. He doesn’t even charge for them. You can see his work at

The EU has demanded britain teach a more european curriculmn. In light of this primary schools have been issued with new nursery rhymes. Let me give you an example. Join in if you know the words.

old macdonald had a farm
eu eu oh
and on that farm he had regulations governing the size and shape of his vegtables.
eu eu oh
with a tescos here and an asda there he found it very difficult to sell his food locally.
eu eu oh
if this was france he would be on strike
oh la la la la
You’ve been awesome. I’ve been Iain. Good night.